Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Manic Mommy Monday 20 - Keep Smiling :-)

Manic Mommy Monday!


Welcome to Manic Mommy Monday hosted by The Gnome's Mom! Every week we link up blog posts that are updates about us and what is going on in our lives. Everyone is welcome to link up (scroll down to find the linky) and you can find more information on the main Manic Mommy Monday page.


It seems like it has been forever since I have actually sat down to type a post that wasn't giveaway related, but during the past month the kids and I got to enjoy a wonderful month with our family in Idaho, and since I wanted to spend every second that I possibly could with them, I neglected my blog. Like that is so uncommon anyway...

Living accross the country remains to be a daily struggle for me, even more after a long trip like this, at random parts of the day I cannot keep myself from bawling. I had always been extremely attached to my parents, brother, and sister. Even during my terrible teenage years, I preferred to spend at least one weekend day with them. I was not ashamed to be seen sitting at the movie theater with my mom, enjoying some Cold Stone ice cream with my little brother, shopping at the mall with my sister, or taking a trip to the grocery store with my dad just so I could talk his ear off for 30 min. or so. I would have never thought in those days just how much I would miss times like these.

What makes this situation even more difficult is the fact that my two boys, David 3 (4 in November) and Jonathan 2, in a blink of an eye, have transformed from tiny babies to little boys. Every on of those days had been full of guilt, knowing that I was depriving my mother something she looked forward to for many years...enjoying being a grandmother. She has held onto so many of my our childhood toys and even added to the collection, in hopes that she could see my boys draw and paint pictures on a table set up in the den. Yet, that table remains untouched for 11 months out of the year.

I want nothing more than to raise a family as close as the one that I have, but how do I go about explaining to my children that "no, we cannot see Pa Pa, or Me Maw, Auntie Alicia, Kaia, or Uncle 'Tiger'today, they live too far away"? I am tired of choking back tears every time I tell anyone of them about my boys accomplishments and milestones. I ache to feel contentment, rather than resentment...

A couple of days ago, an Aunt of mine posted this on Facebook

someday everything will all make perfect sense. so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. Pictures, Images and Photos

I try to remind myself of this every morning and pray that I will get to see my family more than once a year, even more...maybe our lives will lead us back. It is so difficult to experience loss, struggle, pain, or even celebrate the happy and wonder why I cannot physically be there for a single hug. At the same time though, I cannot let myself drag my husband and children into this world of pity and sorrow that I surround myself in. They deserve the best of me, and I want them to experience what I love and miss so much.

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